He gives this example: “You might say, ‘You may not drink alcohol. I’m not angry at you. I’m not upset about the possibility that you would think about doing such a thing, but it’s just not okay.’ When you say ‘not okay’ to a 14-year-old and you’ve been saying it for 10 years and they’re used to it, they might chafe at it a little bit, but they assume at this point, ‘My parents mean me well.’”
Don’t Take It Personally
Parents are often the problem more than their teenagers, Brauner says. They overreact when their teens huff or roll their eyes. They take it personally, thinking I didn’t raise you to act this way. “Parents who take every minor provocation personally are signaling to their teenagers that they are so very powerful that their every move can destroy their parents’ day,” Brauner says. “That’s a foolish message.” When a teenager’s world becomes uncertain, they seek security by testing their parents. When they lash out, they are implicitly asking you, “Can I still trust you to be strong?” The way to say “yes,” Brauner says, is to not let them rile you up.
And yes, that is hard. Brauner says you must gather all the tools you’ve ever used to calm yourself during fight or flight situations. Do correct any behavior that is intolerable (you might tell them “You are free to be frustrated but you may not speak rudely”), and enforce the rules you have set. But don’t engage if you yourself are fuming. Tell your kid you need a minute. Go take a walk. Splash water on your face. Make yourself some tea. “Your internal monologue has to be, ‘I’m going to be the calm one because it looks like my kid can’t do that right now,’” Brauner says.
Ramp Up Your Support System
It’s far from perfect, but there has become a sort-of built-in tribe for parents of babies and young kids. If you’re looking for it (and even if you’re not), everyone is ready to give you advice. There’s unlimited support out there if you’re wondering how to help calm a teething infant or help a toddler with night terrors. When your kids become teens, however, the tribe “kind of dissipates,” Brauner says. It is up to you to ramp up your support system during what can be a uniquely isolating time. Brauner explains, “In every community I’ve been in, there are teenage parenting classes that nobody goes to. ‘How to support your teen.’ ‘How to be a positive parent to your teen.’ Schools often provide them. But parents feel like, ‘I’ve exited this 10-year difficult era. Can I have a break? Do I really have to go to more workshops?’” The answer is no, you don’t, but you might consider it. Just sitting in a room with others who are going through the same thing, and being able to say, “This is really hard” can be therapeutic. It may just be the outlet you need.
You’ll also want to spend a lot of time with your partner and friends and anyone who can assure you that yes, your shirt looks amazing even if your teen swears it’s the ugliest thing she’s ever seen. Try to see this phase in your teen’s life as good for the both of you—the separation allows you to become your own person again and find passions and interests far beyond your role as a parent.
Continue to Physically Be There
It’s important to be a non-anxious presence around your teenager, even if you’re just sitting there in silence. Every day, Brauner would tell his two teens, “I’m wondering how school was today. I’m available to talk if you’d like to.” They’d usually respond with an “Eh” or “Not now”—and that would be completely fine. He’d say, “Okay, well, I’ll work on my crossword” and would then just sit there in the living room with them.
“The idea is, ‘I’m not pushing you to share about your life. But I’m also not giving up on you.’” Studies show that spending time with their parents is important for teens’ well-being, even if that time isn’t always filled with deep connection. Brauner knew that hanging out with his kids on a regular basis “in a calm and trustworthy manner” would eventually lead to one of them saying, “Guess what? I got a great grade today” or “My friend broke up with me.”
“They will share their lives if they feel comfortable at home,” he says.
Take advantage of other fleeting opportunities to connect—for instance, talking to your teens in parallel position when there’s no pressure to make eye contact can help dissolve any anxiety. “Making friends with teenagers a little like making friends with a Bengal tiger,” Brauner says. “You approach slowly and you know where the exits are.”
Yes, This Phase Shall Pass
After teenagers feel they’ve established themselves more as individuals (a process that has no definitive timeline, unfortunately), they warm up to their parents again. Their brains evolve and they learn to regulate their emotions better. Everything starts to feel a little less intense. And Mark Twain’s famed quote on adolescence rings true: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Brauner says, “Some of the wonderful and most intimate times I’ve had were with teenagers. They’re human beings. They have love. They are caring. They are not hostile entities to be feared. They’re lovely and they have a tremendous amount of enthusiasm for the world.” All of this can be hard to see, but keep looking. One day, if they have teenagers of their own, they will call you to ask, “Oh my God, was I ever like this?”